This quote used to mean something to me “There’s always another way. Somewhere, written in some forgotten language, in some city lost in lava likely lies buried the secret to having everything I want all at once. But I’m not gonna find it today, and today is all I have.”
Then I had everything I wanted, all at once, or so I thought I did, little did I know it wasn’t real. He even said I was scared because I had everything I ever wanted in front of me, ie him. I replied “the devil always appears as everything you always wanted”.
Did you read that? I wrote that to him. And that is why it all hurts so fucking much, I had everything I wanted, and he knew that something like this would crush me, and he did it anyway. How could anyone feel I deserve this? I didn’t do anything to him. I still did his laundry, folded and put away his clothes as I packed what I could before being thrown on the street. Still saying I love him as I’m having to leave. That is the person he did this to. I had to ask permission to drink some of the juice I bought before being thrown out.
I didn’t cheat, I didn’t do anything to hurt him. I accepted too much and tried so hard to make things better. I paid for a lot of things just to try to make him happy and not have an argument, also stupid in hindsight.
I wish the weather was better and I could get out for a bit, and clear my head. I can’t stop going over how it went from a happy weekend to this. How kisses went to him, hitting me, how any of this happened. And he could fix it all, but he doesn’t. I have to again, clean up a mess I didn’t ask for.
He must feel guilty? Remorse? Something? You can’t spend all those days with someone, going to sleep next to them, kissing them, having sex, and it meant nothing? He knew/knows I love him too, how could that mean nothing? And 100% sure he isn’t happy right now either, what was all this for? And it isn’t over. Again, what was it all for? Oh yeah, this is way better than cycling in the sunshine and going away for his birthday like I booked. Of course, this is the best time ever.