This quote says so much in a few words:

“How in the hell could a man enjoy being awakened at 8:30 a.m. by an alarm clock, leap out of bed, dress, force-feed, shit, piss, brush teeth and hair, and fight traffic to get to a place where essentially you made lots of money for somebody else and were asked to be grateful for the opportunity to do so? ”

― Charles Bukowski

His alarm would usually ring at 6 am. Sometimes I got a kiss, sometimes not, sometimes he was still next to me in the bed and would start pulling himself away, sometimes he would hold on closer because he didn’t want to get out of the warm bed. On the rare morning, more snuggling turned into sex, but this was not as common as it should have been.

He would get out of bed and start the shit, wash his face, get dressed to go to work process. A kiss goodbye and he was out the door, sometimes to drive an hour, sometimes to cycle to work 30 mins, sometimes in the snow and usually it was still dark.

I would often lie in bed and wonder, “Why does he do this?”. There were so many other options in life, why would he pick this? And we had an exit plan of sorts, so he could stay in bed longer, have a leisurely breakfast, and enjoy life.

What’s the point of life if all you do is get up early, commute hours every week to sit in an office, go home, and repeat? I mean, he did have me to come home to for a time, now he has nothing. Nothing.

How do you go through that daily loop of nothingness to then come home to nothing?????

I don’t see how people do it. I know this may be what is considered normal in the world, but you need a “why” to justify the unpleasantness of life. What is his why now? To make money? So it sits in an account, and he does the same mundane, boring routine on repeat until he has enough to retire? By then, maybe his knee is shot, and he can’t do anything anyway. He won’t find someone else who loved him like I did, I mean, what is left? What a hard life to live, if you ask me.

He had a whole fun life in front of him, and he fucked it up. That must be a hard thing to live with. My life is hard now too, but I know it isn’t my fault. I didn’t destroy the person who loved me, which is also impossible, as he didn’t love me, now did he? I don’t have the plans I had before, but I also am not stuck in an office all day. No one was trying to make my life better, which in hindsight is wrong; that should have been his goal, as I was trying to improve his.

The other irony is that he really felt the other people stuck in the office all day somehow liked him, which isn’t true. And I’d love to know what they think about the disinfection spray he has to use each time he goes to work. He hates the hot desking but too chickenshit to say anything about it.

Up at 6, in the car for an hour, work all day, more commuting, and he was often home at 6 or 7 pm. I would hate it, but I accepted it, I felt MY life was wasting away waiting for him to come home, imagine having to be him????? There is a whole world out there; there were ways for him to work less and travel more, but it was hard for him to be open to getting out of the box. Sometimes he seemed open to the ideas, other times, no way in hell. Rigid thinking comes with the OCD and other issues, but hey ho I still tried to get him out of the rat race.

But here we are.

I’m free to do anything I want, and he is still stuck in his hamster wheel. No one is excited to see him when he comes home, no dinner with laughs and smiles, and no hot sex.

He was the creator of his own destruction, and for this, for today, I will smile and say I’m happy I’m not him.

rise from the dead then he can apologise, right?

If you believe in that sort of stuff, of course, like being brought back to life, miracles, and all that.

So by now he would have shown signs of remorse if it was indeed mental illness vs planned cruelty, and let me look….. no signs of remorse. No apology, no returning of my stuff, no sending money he owes me, no other gesture of goodwill he could do in a few seconds on his phone, nothing.

It’s hard to accept that it was all a lie, just a game to hurt me, but I guess I have no choice by now but to accept that is all I was to him had, something to play with, to use and discard. His eloquent confessions of love were all fake. Every new person to hear what happend says the same, shock, disbelief, horror, and then they say he’s an asshole and I should “write a book” I mean funny they say that right? Unbeknownst to them, I’m a writer and will do just that. I bet he won’t like that, but he can be mad at himself; his choice all of this, not mine. We’d be happy on a beach in the sun about now, but nope, he wanted to be with his ex, or whatever idiot he found and did all this for. I’m sure it will crumble into pieces, and he will then be saying WTF did I do, I mean, all he has to do is walk to the mirror and look inside to see who is to blame for his life problems. God, that must be a hard thing to do, the mere reflection of the one who caused all the problems, amazing he can live with himself.

His house of cards will fall. His day will come, whatever expression you fancy.

Regret is a difficult thing to live with. How can someone live with themselves after doing this to someone who loved them with all their heart?

I was complaining about the stuff he took and a friend said today “germans are known to take what isn’t theirs” I mean it’s ironic, I lived in the home of an ex nazi and his grandson had a jew thrown out, kept her stuff and tried to destroy her. History has some irony there.

But again, no remorse means he’s happy with what he did to me….. happy for now.

People are asking why stuff was deleted, and I’ve not been told. I assume it is the ex doing his best still to destroy me. But why??

I did only fans before I met him, he ASKED to be part of my channel, I was hesitant, it wasn’t his type of thing, and at this point, he was still so kind and gentle to me. (this changed). We never had rough sex, he just wasn’t like that at all, to me it was more love than sex. It was all odd he wanted to do this but he said he wanted to work less, so we could be together more so I said OK.

He later said he wasn’t allowed to work less, he ended up working more actually. One of the many things that he lied about.

He signed a release form, and I paid for all the equipment and other stuff out of the income. The goal was to build up the channel so he could work less and then not work.

Did you read that right?

The man who didn’t even buy me a Christmas present (a keychain from Amazon he has now kept doesn’t count, I have no keychain now) had a girl who loved him, who did everything she could for him, sex whenever he wanted and was even going to make it so he could STOP FUCKING WORKING.

And even this wasn’t enough.

So the episodes of him being awful increased, the physical violence increased, and here we are today. I can’t talk to him, I can’t get my stuff back, and I can’t get answers, and now it seems he wants me to have no income, too.

But here is where you can help. You can try to show me that humanity is not lost and show him that he can’t destroy a woman who loved him.

You can subscribe to my OnlyFans with the links below or buy me a coffee.

https://linktr.ee/cycliste

If you want to help with the court appeal (for the other stuff not this) get in touch or use a link. Feel free to comment as well.

This is the story he wrote, not the one I wanted. I wanted a happy ending, or to smash into the wall together as I said in the love letter I wrote to him. But alas, this is what I was given. I’m told it’s epic, we’ll see when it’s published

Let’s show him he won’t win!

He lied about loving me so did he lie about liking fucking me? When he said he loved my ass, did he mean it? He started to enjoy blowjobs, was it fake? Did he like my tiny tits or were they too small after the chubby ex, the one he says he cheated on me with so maybe he didn’t like them?

Maybe he didn’t like skinny girls? So many questions and no answers anywhere to be found. It shouldn’t have been me complaining to have sex more either, he was more horny to begin with. He said something about Chinese hookers in the morning, so he jerked off vs having morning sex? I don’t know what was real, he didn’t love me, so what in those months was real was a mystery.

He did a break-up in a way that meant no horny calls to see me and fuck me, so he obviously didn’t want to ever see/talk/have sex again. Again, this points to the story of the ex being true, and maybe sex doesn’t matter to him, since she hates it.

Maybe money makes him more horny than my ass did. Hard to know what is real, he seems to enjoy fucking me in the videos, but again, he lied about so much.

That makes it all so much harder, not knowing what was real. Not being able to ask about anything. Normally not how people end a relationship, and the keeping my stuff part too. Guess I need to find someone who likes kissing me, and having sex. Someone who can be honest. Better than what I had should be easy I’m told. Maybe a real cyclist this time, saw some hot ones yesterday.

Nothing really new, still upset, still confused, still want my stuff back, still want answers.

Some moments I feel better than others, most of the time I’m just numb. Something is missing, my heart, my faith in humans, in the world, in some higher being.

I miss having a home, having him to talk to, to sleep next to, and his silly grin. I don’t know how that just goes away. Home isn’t a place, it’s a feeling, and I don’t have that now. Or a home either, or a future, or anything to look forward to.

I don’t know how to change this. Well if I had answers maybe it helped, if he admitted he fucked up and what he did was wrong, could help. Neither do I see happening now, although answers will come out, eventually.

Hope destroying my life made his somehow better and that karma will do it’s thing.

Ok and to address the elephant in the room, I don’t know why he opens his insta. He never had it open when I first talked to him, or while we were together. I had to push him to even post a story. So maybe it’s for his girlfriend, someone else, he’s trying to get someone’s attention, just not sure who. Although he does get attention, just not from the people he wants it from. Oh and the new account I don’t know who is behind it, but I laughed out loud.

I don’t get why in the end it was “his flat” (even if it was ours before that) but then MY stuff he also claimed as his own. How is that right? Everything I bought was his, gifts to me before he met me, also his. So I deserve nothing I paid for.

Stuff I bought for the flat, for us, he kept. Stuff I bought before I met him, he kept. So he loved to say what was HIS but what is mine?

Couldn’t he use his precious bitcoin and stocks money to buy his own stuff? Why keep mine? Why couldn’t he pay me back for stuff? it isn’t hard to send money. He’s rich, remember? He bragged how he is going to retire in 4 years. He’s so rich he has to take my stuff and owe me money. Sounds fair.

Just something really bothering me today, along with everything else, and the new disaster because, why could anything in my life not be a disaster right?

Why would anything just be easy?

I should be packing for our trip, not all of this crap. But I guess he’s happier now he’s with the ex. I do wonder if all the direction searches for that hotel was her, or the hookers he talked about. The hotel thing he couldn’t explain. Maybe now we know, given he never loved me and lied, would explain why some weeks he had no sex drive, if he was fuckin someone/someones else

None if it makes any sense

I told someone today that publishing the book, and telling my story is way more scary than posting porn on only fans. All of the stupid feelings I have are more embarrassing. Crazy right?

I wish I had more videos of him talking, I miss his voice. Just saying it out loud I feel so stupid, I rather post a video of me sucking dick than me admitting I have replayed a video more than I will admit to hear his voice. I went from alone 24/7 to with him not all day but every day for months. I got used to having someone to talk to, to sleep next to, and then there was just nothing, no one. Just alone. And it’s killing me inside. I can’t even talk to him, it’s like he died, in a way maybe he did, the idea of him died. The one I loved died, or wasn’t real, same thing, right?

I miss hearing his voice. Hell even what I wrote for him for Christmas, my god that is worse than a photo of my pussy. All those feelings, all that love for one person, and even more embarrassing now we know he never loved me. Pathetic of me to say how happy I was someone loved me so much and ha ha jokes on me, it wasn’t even real.

And the shower? OMG, watching something like that from your past, he was caring, and sweet, funny, you name it. HOW WAS IT NOT REAL?!?!? And to see how happy I was, my god why did I wake up on the 16th?? Why couldn’t it have been the end to a perfect day? Go to sleep with the guy I love, feeling happy and that is how it ends, on a happy note. Why did I have to wake up to endure this?

How could I be so stupid? How can I be so stupid to still miss him?

I’ve never felt pain like this before. Why would he do this to me? I have to figure out how to get over my fears and get my story out there, maybe it helps someone else, maybe a man thinks twice before doing this to another woman, maybe instead of writing I need to just put it on youtube, me and my stupid feelings and pain and regret. My train wreck life. There has to be some good that comes out of this mess.