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Alone in a room

To sit alone in a room and say it all out loud
Every moment, every second, every trespass
Every awful thing, every broken dream
A couple years back and forth with myself in a cage
Banging my head against the wall tryna put words on a page
All I needed was the last thing I wanted
To be alone in a room, alone in a room…

A friend sent me this song and it obviously touched me.

Because it’s just true.

I sat in a room, alone, went through every awful thing, every trespass, every brown dream…….

Years of not knowing what to do, years of floating in limbo waiting for something good to happen.

Banging my head against the wall to put the words on the page, all the emotions, the feelings, what happened, every awful thing, every broken dream.

And it’s what I dread, being alone, yet only through the depths of pain can I really write it all out, express all of the emotions. So much sorrow in those words I have written. Why is it that no one ever chooses the role of saviour? Always every fucking time it’s the mask of destruction they pick up, the role they decide to play against all protest from myself.

He did have the option to help me have a home last year, he declined, several times. He even then said he wish there had been something he could have done to help. Who says that?

All of the negative comments, the hurtful words and then physical pain and in the end he couldn’t apologise, he wanted me to.

I have no magic wand to create a happy story. I write what I am given. Lately, it’s becoming more of a horror mystery novel than a fun lighthearted collection of dating stories. Again I am only the one transcribing, not the creator. Like Lucifer would say, they have the choice of good or evil, it is to them to make the choice which path to follow…..

There is a full blue moon on Halloween in a few days. Maybe a bit of magic will help my bad luck. I know, wishful thinking but worth a try, right?