16th of March

Another sleepless night, more bad weather, still nothing to live for.

I miss being home, I miss him, I miss my sofa, my bed, not living out of a suitcase, having proper meals. I miss having a future and being happy.

I still don’t understand how someone who said they loved me told me that my kids want me to kill myself, that I’m ugly, I’m worthless and all the other awful stuff he said to me. The words were worse than him hitting me.

Everyone feels bad for what has happened to me. People have wanted me to find happiness for years, and I thought I had, but here we are, much worse off than I was before. They ask if it was the first time he hit me (it wasn’t), if it was the first episode with angry outbursts (it wasn’t), why I didn’t push to get him to pay me back for stuff (didn’t want to make him mad) and yeah everyone thinks I’m stupid for allowing it all.

I loved him, and there was stuff that bugged me, but I thought it didn’t really matter, that love mattered more than money. The lack of an actual present for Christmas (he kept the amazon keychain he gave me and the dinner never happened), maybe it said something unspoken that I ignored that was contrary to the I love you he professed?

I’m not used to getting gifts. I didn’t get them during my marriage. Maybe why it didn’t bother me so much? I bought him a lot of stuff though, then to hear how he wanted me to pay half of a toll for a Valentine’s day trip or even bringing up the place we went just after we met! He isn’t exactly poor, he could buy stocks for a football team while owing me money and go on about stocks, ETFs, bitcoin, how he would retire in a few years, saying it was for our future, then saying it was only for him another week.

He would sell stuff we replaced in the flat, as couples do, a lot of his stuff was from his grandfather. He would pocket the money and I would pay to replace it. He never offered me anything for this. I paid for the new blackout blinds on the window, he finally finished the day before he had his last episode, I paid for a lot of things. Was he cheap or just taking advantage of my generosity and the fact I loved him? He kept my duvet, so taking advantage of me could be the right answer.

There is a housing shortage here, each place I email has 300-500 emails. So far I’m not getting any viewings. He knows it’s hard and he has a very lucky cheap rental from his grandfather. Have you noticed the trend? He has been very blessed in life and he doesn’t see it. Even blessed with a woman that loves him, despite teating her like shit and having a mental illness he refuses to admit he has or seek treatment for. I wish I could be half as lucky as him.

I struggled to put my finger on what was wrong, we talked about the anger issues, he had real remorse from other episodes when he was violent. I don’t know why there is no remorse now. There must be part of him that knows how wrong this was/is?

I joined a group on Facebook for people who love people with borderline personality disorder. I read the stories, others who love someone with the condition (I believe he has the covert version, which is a bit different to the normal) and how we justify their behaviour because it wasn’t their choice to have this and how it is likely from their childhood etc. I read the stories and they are so similar. Some have progressed through therapy and it is easier for both involved. He said he didn’t understand why I triggered him, well, hours of reading later, it makes more sense to me. Everyone who has seen this story unfold can see he has a mental illness, I don’t know if he does, if he knows himself, even if he doesn’t want to admit it. I also don’t know if this was a splitting episode or a psychotic break, maybe he doesn’t even remember what happened. I can’t ask him.

I’m just left homeless in a small hotel room, alone, feeling like my life is over. How could I trust someone after this? I loved this man more than anything in the world and he knew how hard it was for me to open up and let him in. I’m a broken mess now.

He could admit he has an issue, I could even help him seek treatment. He could fix things, if he wanted to. All of the power is in his hands. The problem with love, it’s a surrender of control. You give your heart and soul to another, and pray they cherish this. You surrender all the power to hurt you, to your deepest core, hoping, praying they never evoke such evil on you, that is how love works. He said he likes to be in control, and he is, but right now he has abused that control and caused serious destruction. The same power, the same control can/could be used for good, to repair and rebuild. He has infinite possibilities, something I don’t have right now.