I spoke to someone yesterday and am now unsure if I knew him. I thought I did, but there are so many questions now. I will speak to someone else later; maybe they can help. We will see.
I’m still not sleeping and feeling sick. I’m too traumatised by it all. What even happened? I asked for a kiss and this happened? Everyone is shocked when I tell them how it played out. He couldn’t have one normal conversation after that night. Who even knows if he remembers what he did? How did someone so gentle and kind become this? It can’t be that everything was fake the whole time? Why? Why would someone do all of that? Make plans, live together, tell me he loved me so much if none of it was true? But if it WAS true, what is all this? Mental illness can account for some of it, but all of it?
Why would someone do this to another human? Why would someone alone in life, saying he never had someone love him, find someone who did love him and then want to destroy them, and themselves at the same time.
When I said I would be beside him until the end, even if it ended in flames, this isn’t how I envisioned it. And the final kiss? Do I still get that part?