Another sleepless night, another night going over it all in my head, over and over and over. Trying to make sense of it, trying to figure out if this is something I should have seen coming. He could even have total amnesia from the episode, he may not be aware of what he did, which makes it even more difficult.
Yet, somewhere inside of him he knows how badly I’m hurting, and he has nothing to help me. Not even the smallest things I asked of him. Then I go back and question if this was some mental breakdown or all a game.
Rinse, repeat, see why I can’t sleep?
How do you heal after being betrayed? Is it even possible to be the same afterwards? How do you trust again? When the person you love more than anything in the whole world hurts you in such a cruel manner, is there any recovery from that? Even if they aren’t in control of their actions, something somewhere inside must be aware? There must be a twinge of guilt? Remorse? Something, right?
I suspect he feels I betrayed him by failing to be perfect and not accepting the bad behaviour. I would handle it differently if I could redo it, but would there be a different result? No way to know.
Has he done this to other women? Was it just something he said in his psychotic episode that wasn’t true? The Chinese prostitutes? The cheating on me with his ex? The other women he said he was in contact with?
What is real and what isn’t? Maybe the dumb onlyfans whore “aka me” deserved this in his mind? He suggested making videos with me, he wanted to try to see if we could get to a point where he could work less. I was going to put profits towards that too, not just in my savings account where his money from work goes. Maybe that does make me a stupid woman. We talked about a joint EFT account, not a topic people discuss if they plan to leave? But people don’t make travel plans either if they plan to hit you and throw you on the street, see point 1, none of it makes sense.
Hitting me and throwing me on the street also rebuts his claims he was scared I’d kill myself. Maybe he wishes I would? Then his “problem” goes away. He can pretend he was the victim and give that story to the next person he meets. Although inside he must know it’s not true. I have seen him cry many times, the guilt and shame for other actions, was it possible it was all fake? Is anyone so evil?
After so many bad experiences (that he said he couldn’t believe a man would do) could he have been the most evil of them all?
I have more questions than answers.