I’ve sat in a pile of rubble and ash before examining each piece of evidence, questioning what could have been done differently to stop the devastation. There are never clear answers, and there is no way to reset the clock to try again.
What was real, what was a lie, right now it is all a mystery. The shock, disappointment and utter heartbreak is unbearable.
For now, I will hold on to the belief, this was all some mental breakdown he couldn’t control. I can’t accept he didn’t, doesn’t love me. I can’t accept it was all a lie. If, in deed, it was all a lie, if someone could do all of that, to someone, to me, if even if it is merely a possibility, I want off this world. There is no going back from here then. If this was all just an evil cruel joke? I just can’t accept that, no one could be that unkind, right?
I have been told if it is the disorder I believe he has, I should have walked away, well that isn’t me. I’m not a quitter, and he did ask me, If I have this, why do you want to stay with me? I told him the truth, I love you, OK, it’s not my ideal situation, but it’s what it is, I love you and we’ll get through it together.
There were so many good moments, and yes some bad ones too. The good far outweighed the bad, at least to me. And I’m still holding on to the belief that he couldn’t control his emotions.
Maybe I’m delusional, I believe he can be helped, I believe he could decide tomorrow to stop this nonsense and apologise. I believe it is all possible to fix. My friends laugh, which is ok, this is what I believe in my heart. It is why I wake up in the morning.
The day before it happened, I wanted him to do a video, a letter, something so I could be reminded how he really felt, for the next splitting episode. I wish I had asked, begged him to do this, but I didn’t. And I will always regret not asking. It also would have been proof to the world that I’m not delusional, that the man who said he loved me, did in deed, love me.
Now what is the big question? Despite my requests, he didn’t listen about keeping his identity private, so people know who he is, I’m trying to protect him, but it’s hard. People see what I am going through, how I am suffering, and they are angry. I’m not angry yet, which is stupid, I know, well see the part about where I am angry, at myself. I’m here asking what more I could have done to help him. He claimed no one had loved him, well I do/did, as anyone who knows me can confirm. I told him I loved him the day I was thrown out of our flat, my home.
It seems love isn’t always enough, and if love isn’t enough, what is?
so sad to read about your situation. Hope you can put away the baggage & ride away towards a brighter future, & that your abuser meets the full force of the law & can receive the appropiate treatment as part of his rehab.
Love is a wonderful sensation, its a damn shame that some people just do not appreciate it.