People say to keep writing, that it will help, but so far it hasn’t. Sleeping and eating still aren’t working either, which is even more frustrating as the weather is improving and would like to try to get out on the bike. As much as I hate the hotel room, leaving it hasn’t been so easy. I cry all of the time, and it just feels strange when I’m outside, everything is disorienting. It’s a hard thing to describe.
As more people find out what happened I feel a mix of sadness and stupidity. I trusted him, I believed in him, people said not to, but I did it anyway and here we are. I trusted him 100% and this is the result. But also I trusted how I felt, I’m left questioning how I could be so wrong about someone. And if I was so wrong this time, after so many questions, warnings, begging for him to be honest, how could I ever trust someone else after this? If my gut feeling let me down, if another human could be so cruel to me, how can I trust anyone? And if I can’t trust anyone, then what?
Now what is a big question every day. I drag myself out of bed, down a few coffees, look at apartments that never reply, wait for people to ring back that never ring back, and question my whole life. No more kisses in the morning, art in my oatmeal, proper breakfasts on the weekend, no more showers that end in sex, and someone to sleep next to at night. Everything in life that made life worth living is gone. I don’t even have a home to recover from this in. He destroyed every aspect of my life, even my work. Why? Because I loved him? Was that so bad? Even a splitting episode doesn’t explain it all away by now, the episode should be over, he should have gone back to normal and although the guilt/shame should/could be there he has to know that what he did was wrong. All decisions he made haphazardly in a rage episode.
I know everyone has tried to pin the psychopath/sociopath label, but he just wasn’t smart like that. He wasn’t smart like that. I know if mein liebling ever heard me say that he would get mad, but he just wasn’t like that. So it is out of character. He said his ex didn’t love him, she used him and horribly discarded him, he didn’t block her everywhere and do something like this. Why me? The first person since his grandmother who loved him, he claimed. Why did I get the worst treatment? Is this the way it’s supposed to be? If you love someone they treat you like shit?
We see if today gets easier, as everyone keeps promising me that the days will get easier, which has been wrong up to now. His birthday is this weekend too, he knew I had a surprise trip for him, stupid me. I felt bad he was on his own last year for his birthday (he didn’t feel bad I was on my own for many of my birthdays, but there we go)
As I go through stories I do notice he was selfish, I’m not so stupid I don’t notice, but he had a very caring, kind side to him as well. He could smile at me a certain way that I really believed he loved me. We circle back to how could I have been wrong about that.
If anyone has any ideas on what next, leave me a comment or get in touch via X or email.