At least some sun, maybe it will warm up so I can go cycling. Oh yes, I threw away my pump because he had one, forgot. Yes, my tyres are almost flat, always circles back to what happened.
Not sure how safe cycling is since I keep passing out, but here we are. People find it odd I ignored my health, and I did try to talk to him about it, but he didn’t seem so interested. After all the tests last year, it was clear I wasn’t going to get some great answer as to something I could fix. If it was a brain tumour there is nothing they could do, there was nothing they could do with any of the possible outcomes. I told him about all of this, if he listened. Who knows.
I still don’t know if the whole thing was a game to hurt someone (like he said during an episode) or if he did/does love me and this was some sort of psychotic break kind of thing. I know, the likelihood is he did all of this on purpose, but it is still hard to wrap my head around how someone could be so evil.
So much doesn’t make any sense still, why unpack my table that sat in a box for almost a month? It’s broken now. I didn’t have the right stuff to move anything. Why make more travel plans? There was no signs at all he wanted to end things in the days before. When he kissed me goodbye there was no sign of anything wrong. He seemed happy, not even in one of his bad moods. All of this was so sudden and it’s like he died, I have not been able to talk to him since. Some texts he sent in German with the nonsense he shouldn’t pay me back isn’t talking to me. I had no way of knowing if the Chinese prostitute thing was real, if he was having sex with his ex, the stuff about the women at work, what was real and what was him trying to hurt me during his episode. I mean, if it wasn’t real, he would have broken out of the episode by now, feel guilty and feel awful for hurting me so much, and would have contacted me, right? The longer the time goes by without an apology the more likely it is that it was all a game, and that is so hard to accept.
You’d think he wants to fix things before they go deeper into the court black hole. Does his lack of self-preservation mean he is proud of his actions? Is he depressed?
People are angry, but why aren’t I? I love him still and am the biggest idiot ever holding on to the hope he knows this is all wrong and contacts me. Maybe they are right, maybe this is a game and he can’t get away with destroying someone like this. I did nothing to him, I loved him, I would have married him, I trusted him that much. I was trying to help him. He always knew in his episodes I loved him, what happens to something like that? It can’t just vanish?
He said that night I was weak, a pussy. Contrary to his belief I’m strong, that is why I was able to tell him I loved him, despite all the shit he said to me. I didn’t ask to be the strong one, but life doesn’t always give us what we want.
Let’s see if today goes any better.