Amazing how slow things go here in Germany, people don’t reply. The weather turned to shit and I had a fleeting interest in having a burger but the idea of eating alone promptly changed my mind. Life is so different to how it was, and it sucks.
So much time alone has been hard, but I know he doesn’t have anyone either. Ok he goes to work and pretends to be someone else, and they may pretend to like him back. All fake. The only one close to him was me. Maybe he was worried no one would like the real him? Maybe not if he told them to kill themselves and hit them, guess he was lucky to have me after all. The girls tell me he’s not attractive, A lot of “what did you see in him” questions, and sometimes I had those questions myself, then he’d smile at me, a certain way he did when he was happy, and there we go. When he had these episodes, I could see it wasn’t him there in front of me. No life in his eyes, no smile, no jokes, just a zombie. And it’s hard, knowing the person you love is in there somewhere but you can’t reach them.
I’m sure he will tell anyone who will listen how bad it is for him, but he has a home, has a sofa and my duvet. Better than being alone in a hotel room. Life was far more kind to him than he would admit. Although this time it wasn’t life being kind, he lied to get me out of my home and made me homeless. Life did give him someone who loved him, despite all his issues. He told me once it would be easy to find someone “better than me”. Yeah, ok. Even Jesus would have given up on him by now.
I don’t know if I get any answers, from the texts, or in real life, who knows, maybe he calls and tells me. Stranger things have happened. Still not sure why he said we could meet on Thursday to talk. It didn’t happen. I was scared it was a way to get me out, then change the locks, not knowing he was going to have all the police there the next day to throw me out.
Everything could have been very different right now, everything was very different.
The truth will come out, as it always does. And I will look like an idiot for saying I still love him. Like I did, telling the lawyer.