It’s hard when you want to help someone but you can’t get through to them. When you know how to fix everything with a magic wand but they won’t listen. It’s hard to watch from afar when you love someone struggling with what should be simple things.
You really want to scream “stop before they hit the wall” but you can’t. You look away as to not see the crash you know is coming.
Why do people push away the one person they trust most in the world? The one they know loves them and has their best interests at heart? It seems counterproductive. Is the voice of paranoia louder? Is anger due to perceived betrayal stronger than logic?
The paranoia is always wrong. But since it’s not a person you can’t hate it, block it, or punish it, it still lives inside them, destroying more and more of their lives.
Why is an apology so difficult? How much is a person willing to destroy their life to avoid admitting they were wrong? Well, you’d be surprised. Some would rather burn it all to the ground than utter the words “I fucked up” or “I need help”. Crazy isn’t it?
Hard to believe my superpower is being able to communicate my feelings. I can say I’m sorry, hell I have said I’m sorry for things I haven’t even done countless times to try to make someone I love happy. I am anything but weak.
But the magic wand isn’t useful unless you use it.
Another long day and still need to drag myself out to buy something to eat. I just have no energy. Stress and lack of sleep are taking a toll on my health, not just my emotional wellbeing.
I had the strangest dream the other night, it felt real somehow. I was back in our bed and he was behind me, with his arm around me, he snuggled up close and said “Now I can sleep”. I woke up crying, I am crying typing it out. It felt so real. Something so normal now feels so strange to even think about. My world is still upside down and I don’t even know why.
He didn’t sleep so well during these episodes and when he was upset. I remember one night he was so adamant he was NOT going to sleep next to me, well we went to sleep and guess who was burrowing his head into the back of my neck a few hours later? You could hear his breathing change, and he was relaxed. It made me feel, at the time, that he did love me, even if he was in one of his moods where he was saying I was awful.
People love to pretend like I should be happier now, because now I don’t have that to deal with. But I also don’t have the good times, the smiles, the laughs and all of the rest of the moments I loved. The mood regulation issues I do believe could have been reduced but I just didn’t get enough time to tackle them. I’m not happier now. I haven’t felt happiness in weeks now.
How do I still love him people also ask me, I don’t know, there is no switch to turn it off and on or I would have turned it off. I guess it takes a strong person to feel this way. I hope the feelings lessen, and the pain goes away, but I can’t see it happening any time soon. I also don’t see how I can trust someone again, if he didn’t love me, how could I trust someone who says they love me again?
I should dig out “this isn’t the contest you want to win” so much of my old writing is relevant now, how is that even possible? How did he know everything bad that happened then be worse? This man who was so kind to me before.
I have heard this so many times in the last weeks. I am emotional because someone ripped my heart out and tore it into tiny pieces that lay scattered across the floor.
I begged, pleaded and demanded 100000 times for him to be honest with me. I told him how badly I had been hurt in the past and how difficult the last years had been for me emotionally. I begged him to be honest with me and he kept telling me he loved me and he would always love me. I was honest about what would happen if I found out he didn’t love me and it was all just a game and he promised that wasn’t the case. He cried at the mere thought of losing ME!
I felt at peace with him, I knew in my heart he loved me and now? I don’t know anything.
I was sceptical, dismissive, and difficult. You name it and I was that because I couldn’t believe that he loved me so much and so quickly. He presented himself as everything I always wanted and I said “The devil always appears as everything you always wanted” Did I know it somehow? Know that it wasn’t real and I couldn’t accept it? I wish I could go back and tell myself to run, change my name, move countries, and do whatever it took to run away from him.
I’m supposed to feel better by now everyone says. I’m homeless, my days are refreshing websites to send emails for apartments I don’t like to then be ignored or rejected. No more trip-of-a-lifetime planning, no more thinking of the future, no dinners, no kisses, no putting my feet on his chair, no showers together, no beating him up hills on the bike, no sleeping beside him and no sex. Tell me again how this is supposed to be fun.
He is in the apartment we shared. The only place I considered home for many years. He is surrounded by memories, he really doesn’t feel even a little bit guilty. Nothing? He sleeps in our bed with my side empty and he doesn’t notice it, at all? Just nothing?
I didn’t get to talk to him, just some texts he sent me in German ranting about money. Money always mattered more than me. Ok sorry, destroying me meant more than money in the end. My crime? Loving him.
So I guess the world has to accept I’m emotional because I sure as fuck don’t know how to turn my feelings off. If I could turn them off I would have long ago, and I wouldn’t have met him, and I wouldn’t have trusted him, or loved him and I wouldn’t be crying as I type this right now.
And to everyone talking about having yet another story for a book, I didn’t need another sad story, I needed a happy ending. This could sell more than 50 shades of grey and I’d still take the happy ending instead. Because unlike him, for me love always came before money. I may be too emotional but I’m honest, I don’t lie about how I feel.
I’ll leave it with this: I remember the first time I saw this and how much I related. However, no one is holding me, stroking my face, or telling me it’s okay, and there is no button to turn it all off. I just am left alone, consumed by grief.
Why can′t we talk it over? Oh, it seems to me that sorry seems to be the hardest word
Nothing has to be like this, that’s the really sad part. I wish I knew what was going on or what even happened to begin with. How does someone go from happy to this? It’s all sad. The days before were happy, we were both happy, and now? And why?
I only asked for a kiss, how is this the result?!?!?!?!
This quote used to mean something to me “There’s always another way. Somewhere, written in some forgotten language, in some city lost in lava likely lies buried the secret to having everything I want all at once. But I’m not gonna find it today, and today is all I have.”
Then I had everything I wanted, all at once, or so I thought I did, little did I know it wasn’t real. He even said I was scared because I had everything I ever wanted in front of me, ie him. I replied “the devil always appears as everything you always wanted”.
Did you read that? I wrote that to him. And that is why it all hurts so fucking much, I had everything I wanted, and he knew that something like this would crush me, and he did it anyway. How could anyone feel I deserve this? I didn’t do anything to him. I still did his laundry, folded and put away his clothes as I packed what I could before being thrown on the street. Still saying I love him as I’m having to leave. That is the person he did this to. I had to ask permission to drink some of the juice I bought before being thrown out.
I didn’t cheat, I didn’t do anything to hurt him. I accepted too much and tried so hard to make things better. I paid for a lot of things just to try to make him happy and not have an argument, also stupid in hindsight.
I can’t stop going over how it went from a happy weekend to this. How kisses went to him, hitting me, how any of this happened. And he could fix it all, but he doesn’t. I have to again, clean up a mess I didn’t ask for.
He must feel guilty. Remorse? Something? You can’t spend all those days with someone, going to sleep next to them, kissing them, having sex, and it means nothing? He knew/knows I love him too, how could that mean nothing? And 100% sure he isn’t happy right now either, what was all this for? And it isn’t over. Again, what was it all for? I
