I told someone today that publishing the book, and telling my story is way more scary than posting porn on only fans. All of the stupid feelings I have are more embarrassing. Crazy right?
I wish I had more videos of him talking, I miss his voice. Just saying it out loud I feel so stupid, I rather post a video of me sucking dick than me admitting I have replayed a video more than I will admit to hear his voice. I went from alone 24/7 to with him not all day but every day for months. I got used to having someone to talk to, to sleep next to, and then there was just nothing, no one. Just alone. And it’s killing me inside. I can’t even talk to him, it’s like he died, in a way maybe he did, the idea of him died. The one I loved died, or wasn’t real, same thing, right?
I miss hearing his voice. Hell even what I wrote for him for Christmas, my god that is worse than a photo of my pussy. All those feelings, all that love for one person, and even more embarrassing now we know he never loved me. Pathetic of me to say how happy I was someone loved me so much and ha ha jokes on me, it wasn’t even real.
And the shower? OMG, watching something like that from your past, he was caring, and sweet, funny, you name it. HOW WAS IT NOT REAL?!?!? And to see how happy I was, my god why did I wake up on the 16th?? Why couldn’t it have been the end to a perfect day? Go to sleep with the guy I love, feeling happy and that is how it ends, on a happy note. Why did I have to wake up to endure this?
How could I be so stupid? How can I be so stupid to still miss him?
I’ve never felt pain like this before. Why would he do this to me? I have to figure out how to get over my fears and get my story out there, maybe it helps someone else, maybe a man thinks twice before doing this to another woman, maybe instead of writing I need to just put it on youtube, me and my stupid feelings and pain and regret. My train wreck life. There has to be some good that comes out of this mess.