A year ago

Life was different, different for all of us. Especially for me. Different country, fun stuff to look forward to, someone I enjoyed spending my time with even if I knew in my heart he was a ticking time bomb that would explode sooner vs later.

Still a holiday season alone, housesitting as I was homeless, but in a home that felt like my home more than anywhere else in the world did at the time. So much time had been spent there, something I suspect he never thought of when I was bundled up, thrown out and he screamed in my face I was horrible and he hated me. It is then I actually became really homeless. Literally no where left to go. I still cry instantly when I remember that day. My birthday was also then ruined, again as it is every year. I had the promise of a trip, of course, it didn’t happen.

It’s hard to love someone and know that they will never love you back. Even when you know they will never love anyone else, that they just don’t understand the concept, it is still difficult, I thought I guess maybe somehow I could fix that broken part inside him and somehow it could be ok.

You can’t love someone better.

Loving him only made him hate me more. SO there we go, alone for the holidays, again!

Recap for 2020

1 move to another country

3 holidays abroad

Found out I love anal

1 failed relationship

3 porn vids

2 major surgeries

Went from a 32FF to a 32AA

3 cancelled wedding jobs

A million tears and sleepless nights

Not much progress in a year, if anything backwards it feels. I have a flat now, people will say that is progress but I’m missing the people in my life that made life worth living. Without people to share life with is life worth anything? Anal alone doesn’t work either! Just to show I do still have my sense of humour.

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