How do you put tears on paper? I should know by now how to do this and every-time I begin I’m lost as to what to say. Where do you start? The beginning? The end? In the middle?
Start with a happy moment? The time my heart was bleeding from the trauma? A funny moment? A bad joke only we would laugh at?
I don’t want to be writing any of this. I resent the fact I must. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and it isn’t fair. None of it has been fair.
4 years is a long time to be friends with someone to just have them vanish without even a chance to say anything.
He said my fear of abandonment was unhealthy. Obviously, if the fear comes to fruition there is a basis for the fear? I lost everyone else, and his promise to not just vanish on me was a lie so I guess it’s something one can actually be afraid of?
It was an eventuality I knew would come to pass. Even if he denied I was right.
I predicted it almost a year ago. I just didn’t expect it to be so sudden and so cruelly orchestrated.
And now? Now what? I’m just utterly alone. I have to remove him as the emergency contact at the hospital. I have to go through everything that was already difficult with his support but now on my own?
It’s like when my mum died but worse. I can’t just ring and say anything but with him I know if it was someone else ringing he would answer the call. All of the things he told me he couldn’t do for me like texting he can, but only for someone else.
Someone who doesn’t know the truth, someone who doesn’t care about him but somehow is held in much higher regard than I ever was.
The is an irony when you are in a relationship with a narcissist that is hard for the outside world to understand. The person who is the closest, the most intimate is the one who is most abused. His abuse, his rage, showed that I did mean something. As fucked up as it is.
And although I was able to ignore a lot of the negative traits, a lot of the minor tantrums. The rage was hard. Even if I understood he wasn’t 100% in control of the emotion. I guess I felt like there would be some trickle of remorse. Crazy to think I know but nonetheless I did.
I feel stupid for giving so much to be just discarded like I was rubbish. I know he can’t replace me, even if he hasn’t figured this out yet. I know one day he will regret his actions but it doesn’t fill the void that is here, right now.
It’s not the first time I was just blocked. No way to say anything, no ending, just blocked. The plans for the next day just wiped away. One of the reasons I haven’t bothered much with dating in recent years. Enough was enough and hey a friend is better than someone who is going to lie and vanish right?`Oh the irony.
The irony in the man who said no one would read my book is going to be in said book now. The irony that the one who was already written into the dedication was responsable for so much destruction.
I wish in these circumstances we had the ability to wipe clean the memories, to make them go away. So the pain could subside, the void could be filled and it could be like it all didn’t happen. Just turn it all off. Poof, gone, no more sadness.
I also can’t change what impact it has had on my health. If the damage is lasting? It’s all up in the air right now. I know if there is bad news I have to go through it alone. Just like I had to go through everything else.