4 years today

What a way to celebrate! I think the original plan of dinner and sex was better. But alas it wasn’t up to me now was it?

I didn’t chose the pain I’m in.

I didn’t ask for the utter loneliness.

I didn’t want to be told I was untalented, stupid, fat or any of the other insults.

I didn’t want to feel empty like something was missing.

I didn’t want to be ignored.

I didn’t want to be told a whole list of women that were better than me.

I didn’t want any of that bullshit, but alas it wasn’t up to me.

I wanted laughs.

I wanted happy memories.

I wanted to be told I was beautiful, even once.

I wanted to know someone was there for me.

I wanted someone to hug me when I was sad.

I wanted someone to be proud of my talents.

I wanted someone to share the good and bad with.

I wanted to feel valued.

Alas it wasn’t my choice what I was given.

I stayed because the good times were good and the bad times only increased in July. Blind hope it would improve. Jesus wouldn’t give him the chances I gave him, he would have walked off long ago with the words “you’re way too fucked up mate, I’m outta here”. Yet I stayed.

I always give men too many chances. Remember that if you ever think I’m a vindictive bitch, they had a MILLION chances and still each and every time fucked it up. You can’t beg a man to not be an asshole. I tried!

The whole 4 years wasted for what? His ego? He put me through hell to feel better about himself?

Because I can’t do anything else

How do you put tears on paper? I should know by now how to do this and every-time I begin I’m lost as to what to say. Where do you start? The beginning? The end? In the middle?

Start with a happy moment? The time my heart was bleeding from the trauma? A funny moment? A bad joke only we would laugh at?

I don’t want to be writing any of this. I resent the fact I must. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and it isn’t fair. None of it has been fair.

4 years is a long time to be friends with someone to just have them vanish without even a chance to say anything.

He said my fear of abandonment was unhealthy. Obviously, if the fear comes to fruition there is a basis for the fear? I lost everyone else, and his promise to not just vanish on me was a lie so I guess it’s something one can actually be afraid of?

It was an eventuality I knew would come to pass. Even if he denied I was right.

I predicted it almost a year ago. I just didn’t expect it to be so sudden and so cruelly orchestrated.

And now? Now what? I’m just utterly alone. I have to remove him as the emergency contact at the hospital. I have to go through everything that was already difficult with his support but now on my own?

It’s like when my mum died but worse. I can’t just ring and say anything but with him I know if it was someone else ringing he would answer the call. All of the things he told me he couldn’t do for me like texting he can, but only for someone else.

Someone who doesn’t know the truth, someone who doesn’t care about him but somehow is held in much higher regard than I ever was.

The is an irony when you are in a relationship with a narcissist that is hard for the outside world to understand. The person who is the closest, the most intimate is the one who is most abused. His abuse, his rage, showed that I did mean something. As fucked up as it is.

And although I was able to ignore a lot of the negative traits, a lot of the minor tantrums. The rage was hard. Even if I understood he wasn’t 100% in control of the emotion. I guess I felt like there would be some trickle of remorse. Crazy to think I know but nonetheless I did.

I feel stupid for giving so much to be just discarded like I was rubbish. I know he can’t replace me, even if he hasn’t figured this out yet. I know one day he will regret his actions but it doesn’t fill the void that is here, right now.

It’s not the first time I was just blocked. No way to say anything, no ending, just blocked. The plans for the next day just wiped away. One of the reasons I haven’t bothered much with dating in recent years. Enough was enough and hey a friend is better than someone who is going to lie and vanish right?`Oh the irony.

The irony in the man who said no one would read my book is going to be in said book now. The irony that the one who was already written into the dedication was responsable for so much destruction.

I wish in these circumstances we had the ability to wipe clean the memories, to make them go away. So the pain could subside, the void could be filled and it could be like it all didn’t happen. Just turn it all off. Poof, gone, no more sadness.

I also can’t change what impact it has had on my health. If the damage is lasting? It’s all up in the air right now. I know if there is bad news I have to go through it alone. Just like I had to go through everything else.

Update

Everyone is asking how I am and it’s just too much for a tweet so here goes.

I have battled with health issues since I was a teen, after the traumatic incident when I was thrown out and attacked the beginning of August then with all of the stress that followed my health has declined rapidly.

I have issues with my eyesight, balance, hell even typing is becoming an issue. I have to have a repeat MRI to see if the lesion in my brain is progressing. I have 2 more clinics to attend to see if they can figure out a plan. (there isn’t a cure, maybe it subsides but won’t “go away”)

Not sleeping, severe stress, no longer having proper meals all has taken its toll. And then there is the fact I’ve given up. I even had a psychiatrist say he can’t help me, there is just too much wrong with my life. I’m too far down the hole to get out of it alone. it’s just a fact and the “friend” I depended on?

Blocking someone is a horrible form of abuse. To not allow the other person to be heard, to not be able to reply to just take a knife and suddenly sever and destroy a relationship that has been ongoing for 4 years is severely traumatic. Especially when that is the only person you have to depend on.

Heath knew what he was doing. His actions calculated and when presented with the fact his actions were damaging his response? I don’t care.

Well sadly the girl who DID care got hurt in the process. And for what gain?

I heard for weeks how much he hated being on his phone, to text, to be on what’s app hence he couldn’t reply. He didn’t text anyone as much as he texted me. FYI he’s on there a LOT this week. Way more than ever before, so obviously it was all a lie, another lie to add to the list. Like 90% of the fights could have been solved had he been as responsive as he is now with whoever he is lying to attempt to entangle them in another fake encounter to add to his list.

The bruises are lingering, the leg is still painful and swollen. No remorse for his actions, it’s just “unfortunate” he said I got hurt when he pushed me and it was likely because he’s bigger than me. (His words)

What a sad conclusion after less than week ago he said I was the only person in the country that even cared about him.

Perhaps you could try to reframe your thinking.

You seem to ignore so many facts. There is a whole pandemic going on. It is not going to get easier but harder. You say you don’t have a woman you’re hiding in the wardrobe. I know there are no friends so why not try to value what you do have vs focusing on destroying her?

Saturday you were just mean. I don’t even know how much of it is even true. I think you were just being cruel, for the sake of it. I’m not even sure why. I’m not even sure if you know why.

I touch some nerve. I got too close? You won’t tell me but it’s the elephant in the room.

I admit to not being perfect. But at least I can explain why I feel a certain way. Why I feel upset if you ignore me, why it hurts when you insult me.

I wish you could just throw out all of the games and nastiness and just be grateful you have someone that cares about you. God knows how many ever have, you don’t make it so easy my darling.

Do you finally want to have a truce and actually try to improve things? Not give me the bullshit how you can’t change etc because you can do a lot of things, when you want to and not being cruel and nasty shouldn’t be such a hard thing to “change”.

I don’t expect some amazing transformation. I’m not expecting chocolates and roses. But I do know you know how to be kind, and considerate. I know you’re not unaware of things that can make me smile and what makes me cry. You could show some effort to be more positive and just cut the cruelness out. That is not a miraculous change that you are not capable of.

When you got back from the UK you harped on how you didn’t miss me. All negative. Well, I remember someone was rather keen to shove his dick down my throat when he saw me. So somehow you did miss me. Did you focus on the positive? Nope, you wanted to hurt me. WHY?

If you really have these strong urges to be mean do it during sex. Get it out then. If that isn’t enough time, have sex more often. You wont get any other women offering you an outlet like that. See the positives.

You harp on how you hate me, how awful I am. Maybe I’m delusional when I think you care? But alas maybe that is why I can tolerate you? Sam said in a video today about how hard it is for someone like him to find a woman because he’s so fucked up. So when he has a partner he knows it’s hard to replace her. Reminded me of someone. You will say you don’t agree, you would never want to admit it, but you’d be hard-pressed finding another woman that would accept the real XXX. Yet you throw me away, not even just that you set me on fire. It’s baffling.

You tell me you don’t want me to love you, yet you obviously feel grandiose about it as well. You say something negative, others admire my huge capacity to love, my big heart, to be able to somehow see the good in people. No one would have stayed. Again it’s a reframing, from negative to positive. So you can say it doesn’t matter but as someone who knows how it feels to not have someone, I can assure you it’s not a good feeling.

If I didn’t wake up tomorrow, that is what I would want you to remember. XXX loved me, although I never deserved it, somehow she did and that was what made her special.

Although I sit here, covered in bruises, my head throbbing from the swelling and generally in pain you ask for an apology.

So I shall oblige.

I’m sorry I couldn’t turn the feelings off.

I’m sorry I forgave you a million times.

I’m sorry I believed you cared about me despite a million reasons why I shouldn’t have.

I’m sorry you became so important to me.

I’m sorry I kept fighting to keep the person I love in my life.

I’m sorry I always defended your actions.

I’m sorry I never got tired of talking to you.

I’m sorry I wasn’t stronger.

I’m sorry I valued your opinions so highly.

I’m sorry that in the end nothing I ever did was good enough.

I’m sorry I was never enough.

I’m sorry that I wanted photos together.

I’m sorry I wanted happy memories.

I’m sorry I wanted to be hugged.

I’m sorry that I can’t forget the bad stuff.

I’m sorry I wish you didn’t hate me.

I’m sorry I had so much hope.

I’m sorry I’m not perfect.

I’m sorry that I can’t ignore the cruel comments.

I’m sorry that the lies bother me so much.

I’m sorry I miss you.

I’m sorry I enjoyed spending time with you.

I’m sorry you became more to me than you wanted to be.

I’m sorry I believed in you more the rest of the world.

I’m sorry I had faith.

I’m sorry I wanted happiness.

I’m sorry I wanted that happiness with you.