Perhaps you could try to reframe your thinking.
You seem to ignore so many facts. There is a whole pandemic going on. It is not going to get easier but harder. You say you don’t have a woman you’re hiding in the wardrobe. I know there are no friends so why not try to value what you do have vs focusing on destroying her?
Saturday you were just mean. I don’t even know how much of it is even true. I think you were just being cruel, for the sake of it. I’m not even sure why. I’m not even sure if you know why.
I touch some nerve. I got too close? You won’t tell me but it’s the elephant in the room.
I admit to not being perfect. But at least I can explain why I feel a certain way. Why I feel upset if you ignore me, why it hurts when you insult me.
I wish you could just throw out all of the games and nastiness and just be grateful you have someone that cares about you. God knows how many ever have, you don’t make it so easy my darling.
Do you finally want to have a truce and actually try to improve things? Not give me the bullshit how you can’t change etc because you can do a lot of things, when you want to and not being cruel and nasty shouldn’t be such a hard thing to “change”.
I don’t expect some amazing transformation. I’m not expecting chocolates and roses. But I do know you know how to be kind, and considerate. I know you’re not unaware of things that can make me smile and what makes me cry. You could show some effort to be more positive and just cut the cruelness out. That is not a miraculous change that you are not capable of.
When you got back from the UK you harped on how you didn’t miss me. All negative. Well, I remember someone was rather keen to shove his dick down my throat when he saw me. So somehow you did miss me. Did you focus on the positive? Nope, you wanted to hurt me. WHY?
If you really have these strong urges to be mean do it during sex. Get it out then. If that isn’t enough time, have sex more often. You wont get any other women offering you an outlet like that. See the positives.
You harp on how you hate me, how awful I am. Maybe I’m delusional when I think you care? But alas maybe that is why I can tolerate you? Sam said in a video today about how hard it is for someone like him to find a woman because he’s so fucked up. So when he has a partner he knows it’s hard to replace her. Reminded me of someone. You will say you don’t agree, you would never want to admit it, but you’d be hard-pressed finding another woman that would accept the real XXX. Yet you throw me away, not even just that you set me on fire. It’s baffling.
You tell me you don’t want me to love you, yet you obviously feel grandiose about it as well. You say something negative, others admire my huge capacity to love, my big heart, to be able to somehow see the good in people. No one would have stayed. Again it’s a reframing, from negative to positive. So you can say it doesn’t matter but as someone who knows how it feels to not have someone, I can assure you it’s not a good feeling.
If I didn’t wake up tomorrow, that is what I would want you to remember. XXX loved me, although I never deserved it, somehow she did and that was what made her special.